Vignettes of life: C'est la vie

Feeling the cold speculum slowly sliding into her, Kaori breathes deeply. Still, she cannot help but flinch as the instrument is opened. It’s not really painful, but it sure as hell is uncomfortable. At least she knows it won’t take long.

And it doesn’t.

One down, one to go.

The second part of the exam isn’t as uncomfortable, as Dr. Takahashi gently inserts two fingers into her vagina and presses her other palm on Kaori’s abdomen.

“Relax, Makimura-san. Relax your stomach.”

Yeah, easy for you to say. You’re not the one being squished all over.

But she breathes deeply, stares at the ceiling, and relaxes her muscles. Is it any wonder she doesn’t like coming to her gynecologist? Dr. Takahashi is very nice, but still. Thankfully, she only has to endure this every three years. Okay, six, because she’s lazy...And she really doesn’t like feeling strange objects inside her body. Or strange fingers, for that matter.

Couldn’t they simply have Ryo perform the exam? Wouldn’t that be fun? She certainly wouldn’t feel uncomfortable and bordering on pain with him.

Dr. Takahashi presses on her lower left abdomen. “Does this hurt.”

“Nope.”

“Okay, you can get dressed.”

Behind the privacy screen, Kaori quickly pulls on her pants and ties her shoes. When she emerges, Dr. Takahashi is scribbling her findings in her chart. Of course, she can’t read anything. It’s upside down, and Takahashi penmanship is appalling.

“When was your last period?”

She doesn’t have to think. She’s prepared. “First of this month.”

Scribble. “How long do your periods last?”

“Uhm, six to seven days.”

Scribble. “Are they regular?”

“Yes.”

Scribble. “How long between periods?”

“Uhm, twenty-four days give or take.”

Scribble. “And then it lasts six to seven days.”

“Yes.”

Scribble. “Any problems?”

“Not that I know of.” Besides the cramps in the first two days, but she’s been living with those since her first period. No biggie. Pop an ibuprofen or two and keep her abdomen warm to relax the muscles. Ryo helps in that department as well. His big palm on her tummy is her own personal yutanpo.

Scribble. “Well, I noticed some yellowish discharge, so we’ll do an ultrasound.”

Oh, joy.

“And we’ll do a blood test as well.”

That doesn’t sound good. She doesn’t like needles. And whenever a doctor mentions blood tests, things certainly don’t bode well.

 

She’s once again lying half-naked on an exam table when Dr. Takahashi’s assistant bustles in.

“Lower your legs, love,” she says with a smile. “Someone is coming to check out the machine first. Here, let me cover you.” She spreads a thin blanket over her abdomen and thighs, smiles, and leaves.

Kaori sighs and intertwines her fingers on her stomach. Fantastic! Couldn’t they have checked the machine first?

A slight cough and a loud knock on the door bring her focus to the small man poking his head into the room. He looks uncomfortable as hell as he stares at the floor, the walls, the ceiling...Everywhere, but her—the centerpiece of the room.

“I beg your pardon, ma’am,” he murmurs. “I was told I could come in. I mean...I have to check the probe.”

Kaori smiles. He looks as old as the Professor, only much less lecherous. And much more embarrassed. “Go ahead. Don’t mind me.”

His head bobs up and down a few times, then he quickly shuffles to the cart with the ultrasound machine. He pushes a few buttons, fiddles with the vaginal probe, pushes another button to change the view, and hums.

“Is there something wrong?” Kaori asks, half-hopeful it’s broken. She doesn’t feel like being poked more than necessary.

The little man smiles and shakes his head. “Nothing’s wrong. There’s just some air in the probe, resulting in a small line on the screen.”

She mock-glowers. “Okay, but I’m warning you, if they end up finding something that’s not supposed to be there, I’m blaming you.”

He giggles, then pats her hands, still resting on her stomach. “Don’t worry.” Then he leaves her alone again.

She sighs, wiggles her toes, smooths the blanket, sighs again...And Dr. Takahashi and her assistant finally join her.

“Let’s see what we have here.”

The assistant slides a pillow under her butt and helps her get into position as Dr. Takahashi readies the probe.

There’s some wiggling involved; the pillow is too high, so she scoots back down as she gets too uncomfortable; the doctor tells her to lift her knees a bit...

“Okay, the uterus...”

Kaori doesn’t really hear the measurements of her insides; she’s contemplating what to buy on the way home to make a nice little dinner for two when a word makes her ears prick up.

“Leiomyoma in the forward uterine wall. 23 mm.”

Wait, what?

Dr. Takahashi sighs, her eyes on the screen. “Uterine polyp, 8 mm.”

Wait, what?!

Another sigh, this one deeper, longer, and Kaori freezes as Dr. Takahashi wiggles the probe to the left. “Left ovary is a cyst. Endometrial.”

Kaori stares at her doctor as the probe inside her wiggles to the right.

“The right ovary is fine. No scarring or adhesions, uniform.”

Dr. Takahashi removes the probe and her gloves, meets Kaori’s gaze.

“Is that bad?” she asks, proud of herself that her voice doesn’t break.

“Well, it isn’t good,” Dr. Takahashi replies. “The ovary is what we call a chocolate cyst.”

Yeah, now it all makes perfect sense.

“It needs to be removed. So does the polyp. It’s a simple procedure. We use hysteroscopy for the polyp, but for the cyst, you’d need a laparoscopy. Since you said you’re not planning on getting pregnant, I’d leave the leiomyoma be for now. But we’ll keep an eye on it.”

Yeah, sure, I understand. Not!

“Laparoscopy consists of a small incision through the navel, snip snip, and you’re done. If you decide to do it, we could do both at once. One day at the hospital, and you can go home.”

She smiles, obviously proud of herself and her medical knowledge, and leaves Kaori alone with the assistant.

“You can get dressed now,” the woman says softly.

“Right.” Kaori snaps upright, jumps off the exam table, and hurries behind the privacy screen. “I’m sorry,” she says, while tying up her sneakers. “But could you explain to me what all of that meant? In simple terms?”

The assistant smiles at her when she emerges clutching her bag. “It’s not as bad as it sounds.”

Yeah, right. “It sounded pretty bad.” And then she wants to kick herself, since her voice does break and tears are threatening.

“It’s not fatal or anything.”

“So I don’t need to have surgery.”

“Well, you haven’t had any kids yet—”

“And I don’t intend to.”

The assistant looks at her, a twinkle in her eye. “You might say that now, but you never know what will happen in, say, five years.”

Kaori shakes her head. “I’m thirty-six. Trust me, I’m not planning on having kids.” Not in this lifetime. Not with the life we both lead.

She and Ryo had talked about it at the beginning of their relationship, more than ten years ago. They’d talked about possibilities, about having children. And they’d decided against it. Their life was too dangerous to risk it. She’d be an even bigger target, not to mention their kids. It hadn’t been his decision in the end; it had been hers. She’d agreed. She’d known it was the best possible solution. She still knew that. And she didn’t regret her decision or any of her choices. Not for one second in the past decade and more. She had absolutely no regrets. She had him. They had each other. They didn’t need anything else.

“So tell me, what might happen if I don’t have the surgery. Is it dangerous?”

“No, it’s not dangerous, but it might turn painful.”

Oh, joy.

“Anyway.” The assistant smiles and motions for Kaori to precede her into the office. “We’ll schedule another ultrasound in three months to see how everything is. You think about it, and we’ll talk then.”

“Oh, God.” I knew I shouldn’t have come.

Another smile that is probably meant to be reassuring but only makes Kaori want to scream. “It’ll be okay. You’ll have to have regular checkups, though.”

Which I didn’t have, is that what you want to tell me?

“But everything will turn out fine, you’ll see. Talk to your family...”

Oh, God. Ryo! Jesus, how will I tell him?

“Let’s set the date, shall we?”

The woman looks at her expectantly, so she just nods.

How will I tell him?

 

She goes to the lab, has her blood drawn, apologizes to the technician as a tear trickles down her cheek. Tells her how she’s afraid of needles, so she doesn’t watch and only feels a tiny prick when the needle is inserted, as the woman is incredibly gentle.

Then she collapses on a bench half hidden by the branches of a willow tree and cries for what seems like hours but ends up being merely minutes. It’s cathartic and she feels much better after it. Still scared shitless of the possible surgery—under general anesthesia, to boot—of being poked and prodded while both conscious and unconscious, of having needles or sharp instruments anywhere near her...

Okay, take a deep breath and let it go.

She pulls her phone out of her bag, Googles laparoscopy...And quickly changes her search keyword as her eyes keep straying toward possible complications during and after surgery. No point in scaring herself further, is there? So she searches for CA 125, what she was sent to do the blood test for.

CA 125 is a protein that is a so-called tumor marker

Oookay, that’s even worse.

She tucks the phone back into her bag, blows her nose, dries her eyes, and leans back, staring up into the canopy of the willow.

The main problem isn’t the surgery or the hospital stay. She’d go through with the surgery; she already decided. She is still young; she has no intentions of spending the rest of her life, or until menopause hits, in pain. So if they had to cut into her and clean her up, fine. She’d survive. It isn’t such a big deal. Some people face much worse problems, much worse conditions, much worse procedures.

The main problem is Ryo and how to broach the subject. Yeah, even when Dr. Takahashi started droning about the various growths inside her where various growths, apart from those necessary, weren’t supposed to be, her main concern was him. How to tell him. How he’d take it.

She knows perfectly well how he’ll take the not-so-good news.

He’ll panic.

He’ll go into full-on panic mode; he won’t be able to help himself. She was his only weakness. He needed her, and she needed him. It was a strange kind of symbiosis between them. She worried about him; he worried about her. Frankly, her condition wasn’t as bad as when she got kidnapped and held at gunpoint. Those were life-and-death scenarios; he could be late and she could die. This was a routine procedure. It was nothing compared to what they’ve been through, but he will nevertheless panic. She knows that.

He didn’t sleep last night. He never did whenever she had a doctor’s appointment, be it a regular check-up or a common cold. He curled around her until she fell asleep and then went down to the range as he always did when there was no one to punch or shoot to vent his anger and frustration on. She wanted to go to him so badly but knew it wouldn’t help. He needed to let some of the stress out, but she also knew he wouldn’t calm down, not fully, until she came back with a clean bill of health.

This time it wasn’t meant to be. She wasn’t healthy. Or better, she wasn’t as healthy as she, as they both thought she was. There was something wrong with her, and she needed fixing.

So she spends the next fifteen minutes staring up into the green leaves of the willow shimmying in the soft breeze and thinks of how to tell the man she loves that she’s not fully okay. In the end, she realizes there’s no way to lessen the blow. She won’t lie to him, so she will tell him the truth. And pick up the pieces if need be.

X Y Z

Ryo is waiting for her when she comes home. Of course he is.

She smiles in greeting, caressing him with her gaze. She could never tire of looking at him. Her man. Her best friend. Her lover. Even after more than a decade spent with him, he’s still the most gorgeous man she’s even seen. His torso is still as hard as marble with muscles, his arms and thighs still as strong, his belly still as flat as on the day they’d first met. He still turns heads, but hasn’t turned his in more than a decade. His hair is peppered with gray at his temples; the lines in his face are a bit deeper, but she’s glad most of those are from smiling and laughing. His eyes are as deep and fathomless as they’d been back in the day, but the hardness is gone. The darkness is gone.

He’s happy now, calmer, more serene.

He stands up, makes to walk to her, but stops. Cocks his head as he looks at her, frowns. Then pales.

Of course, he knows something’s wrong. He always knows, no matter what.

“What is it?” he asks hoarsely, the hitch in his voice indicating worry.

Kaori sighs. There’s no point beating around the bush. He knows, and the longer she demurs, the worse it’ll be.

She drops her bag onto the couch and takes his hand. His skin is cold as he tightens his fingers around hers. “Let’s sit down.”

 

He listens, his eyes never leaving hers, his throat working when she comes to the part about surgery, his thumb brushing across her knuckles.

He’s silent for over a minute, after she finishes, looking down at their intertwined fingers.

“Do they know why it happened?” he finally asks, lifting his eyes to hers once more.

She shakes her head. “No.”

“Was it something I did?”

Her heart lodges somewhere in her throat at his soft question. Why must it always be his fault? She wonders he hasn’t yet crumpled under the weight of the guilt he’s been piling onto his shoulders throughout the years.

“No, baby,” she whispers, cupping his face in her hands. “It’s not your fault. It isn’t anybody’s fault. It happens all the time, and no one knows the cause. Maybe it’s genetic, maybe it’s the environment...It just happens. It happened to me. It happened to us,” she emphasizes, including him, because they’re a unit. “And we’ll get over it. Together.”

He blinks rapidly, swallows convulsively, opens his mouth, but nothing comes out. He has to clear his throat before he can speak. “So you’re having the surgery.”

“Yes.”

She’s decided without consulting him, but she knows he’d back her up no matter what.

“Promise me.” He grabs her upper arms, his fingers biting into her skin. “Promise me everything will be okay.”

She smiles despite the tears turning him blurry. “I promise. I promise I won’t leave you. I won’t let you go so easily. You’re stuck with me, buddy.”

He hangs his head for a few heartbeats, then looks at her again. He nods, his eyes clear, calm. The storm has passed. “Good. Just so we’re clear, I won’t let you go either.” He smooths his hands up and down her arms. “So, what happens next?”

“Well, as I said, I have my next ultrasound in three months, and then, I guess, we’ll set a date.”

“I’m coming with you,” he says. “For the ultrasound. I’m coming with you.”

She giggles at the scene in her mind’s eye of him standing, arms crossed over his chest, muscles bulging, across Dr. Takahashi’s desk, face unreadable, eyes hard. She could imagine the good doctor and her assistant staring at him petrified. She giggles again.

“What’s so funny?” He pokes, then quickly splays his fingers over her stomach. “Sorry. Did I hurt you?”

She has to roll her eyes; there’s no other option. “You didn’t hurt me. And if you start treating me like I’m made of spun glass, I will hurt you.”

He moves his hand off her tummy, around her waist to place it on her lower back, and pulls her closer. “My, my, aren’t we bloodthirsty today?” he purrs. “I like it.”

“I know you do,” she replies, her voice husky. She circles his neck with her arms, straddling him. “So what have you been up to while I was gone?”

“Missing you?”

“Really? How much?”

He grins and stands easily, with her in his arms, her limbs clasped around him. “Let me show you.”

They would talk more about her diagnosis, but not now. Not for a little while longer. It was there, with them, alongside them, but they wouldn’t let it dictate their lives; they wouldn’t let it lead their lives. They wouldn’t let it win.

They had each other, and they would continue having each other for a long, long time; she swears that to herself. And to him. To them. That was what was important. That was all that mattered.

The End