What Men Want - Chapter 28

She was about to cross the living room to get to the stairs when a clicking sound stopped her dead in her tracks. It was the sound of a gun cylinder. She looked wildly around the darkened room and saw him sitting on the floor in a pool of moonlight, his trusted Python in hand, spinning the cylinder, his eyes empty.

“Ryo?” she called to him softly, not really knowing what to do. She’d never before seen him like this, literally playing with his gun, staring at it with dead eyes...She’d never before seen into his mind in such a dark moment, either. There was darkness and thousands of voices in his head at the moment, and she had absolutely no idea what he would do or what she was supposed to do or say. She was in uncharted waters.

She slowly walked toward him, keeping a weary eye on the gun. She knew he would never physically hurt her in a lucid state, but God only knew what he’d do in whatever state he was in at the moment.

“Are you all right?” What a stupid question. Of course, he wasn’t all right, but she had to say something.

He didn’t reply; he didn’t even lift his head or eyes toward her or acknowledge that he’d heard her. He merely kept spinning the cylinder.

She slowly knelt before him, keeping her hands on her thighs, when all she wanted to do was snatch the gun away. God knew what he’d do then.

“What are you doing, Ryo?”

“That’s not my name,” he finally said in a low, even tone. Well, at least he was talking. “I don’t know my real name.”

Her heart constricted in her chest at the matter-of-fact statement. Even after everything Mary had revealed, they’d never talked about his past. It looked like they were about to. At least a little.

“Well, I like Ryo,” she said softly, trying to sound as cheerful as possible and trying to penetrate the jeering, vindictive screams inside his mind. “I’ll call you Ryo, okay?”

He shrugged. “She called me that.”

“Who?”

“The girl in the photo.”

Kaori finally realized he had no idea he was talking to her. In his current state of mind, she was just one more voice, one more shadow in the eternal darkness drenched in blood.

“She must’ve been nice.”

A corner of his mouth kicked up in a small smile. “Yes, she was. She was the nicest girl in the world.” His face darkened once more. “She’s gone now.”

Her breath lodged in her throat. “Why?”

“Because I don’t deserve her.”

Oh, God. “Ryo...”

“I don’t deserve to be happy. I don’t deserve nice people. I don’t deserve to love or be loved. When you love someone, they leave. Like her brother did...Like she did.”

Had it been her decision to leave the catalyst for this? She couldn’t believe it. She refused to believe it. This was Saeba Ryo, for crying out loud. He didn’t need her; he didn’t respect her; he didn’t care.

“Maybe she had a good reason to leave.”

He nodded. “Me. I’m a bastard. I kept pushing her away until I finally did it. I didn’t believe it would happen; I didn’t want it to happen. But it did.”

She had no idea what to think at this point, but at least the demanding voices inside his mind, inside her mind, have subsided.

“Why did you push her away?” She felt the lowest of the low interrogating him when he was like this, but ends justified the means at this point.

“To protect her. To protect us both.”

Both? “Protect from what?”

“From me. From what I am. From what I’ve done. From the blood on my hands. She was pure and clean; she needed to be free of me.” He leaned his head back against the wall with a tired sigh. “And now I’m alone. She’s gone. The light is gone.”

If he’d only talked to her like this before. She didn’t understand half of it; she hadn’t really grasped his past, but he could’ve talked to her.

Ryo was still talking. “Nothing works anymore. The drink, the women—nothing keeps the memories back anymore. Only she could do it. Only she could keep the darkness away; only she could slay the dragons.”

Did he mean he got drunk on a daily basis and whored around to forget? To forget his past, to keep the demons at bay? Now, it all made sense. Saeba Ryo suffered from PTSD. God, she’d read about it after she’d learned the truth about his past, but she’d never attributed the symptoms to him. There was no cure for it, no medication; it wasn’t a regular disease. He needed help—someone to talk to, someone who knew what he was going through. Instead, he self-medicated with alcohol and women. Trying to forget, yet unable to.

Unless she was there. Was he still talking about her? Or was he thinking of his dream woman? Could she be so self-centered as to think she was some sort of magic cure-it-all for him? Yet, at the beginning, he was talking about her—the girl in the photo. Was it really possible that her decision to leave had brought him to the brink?

“The voices are back,” he whispered as the cacophony of sound pierced her mind as well. “There’s only one thing to do.”

Seeing the image and the demand in his mind, Kaori threw herself at him, latching onto his gun hand with all her might, unable to process the mental image of the gun pressing against his temple as he pulled the trigger. There was no chance in hell of that happening. Not on her watch, not now that she knew everything. Or almost everything. Oh, she’d make him apologize; she’d make him grovel before she forgave him for the scene in Mick’s apartment, but there was no chance in hell of her leaving.

Not now. Not until he got better or got a substitute light-bearer or whatever he thought of her (if she was indeed the one he’s been talking about). It was a shitty thing to do, putting such a heavy burden on her shoulders, but if it meant keeping him alive and more-or-less sane, she’d bear it proudly. It might kill her, but then she’d be dead, and wouldn’t really care what happened to him.

“Snap out of it this second, Saeba!” she ordered, hanging on like a tick. “Not even you’re that stupid. Let go!”

He didn’t resist, not really, and he didn’t hurt her, but he didn’t let go of the gun either. She wasn’t about to get shot because he decided to take a long trip into the darkest recesses of his mind, so she did what she did best.

Rap him over the head with a mini mallet.

It was more of a love tap than anything else, but it had the desired effect.

His mind switched off, leaving her in blessed silence (no wonder he was contemplating blowing his brains out with all those voices nagging and bitching), and his eyes cleared.

He blinked. Looked at her, then blinked again. “Kaori?”

“Yeah, it’s me, Sleeping Beauty. Are you fully back?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well.” She slowly let go of his arm and dropped back onto the floor in front of him. “You were contemplating decorating the living room wall with an abstract painting of your brain matter while having a bizarre conversation with me, not really knowing it was me.”

His eyes went completely blank. “What did I say?”

She smirked. “You didn’t confess your undying love and devotion, if that’s what you’re afraid of.” Was it her imagination, or has he actually relaxed a little? What did he think he’d said to her? “But let’s say it was an enlightening conversation.”

Then she punched him in the nose, hard.

“Hey!” he snapped.

“That’s for being all macho and refusing to talk about your problems.”

“I don’t have problems,” he complained.

She growled. “Oh, please. I wasn’t born yesterday; I know what happened to you, remember. Not that you bothered telling me, but I know. And now, after this, I also know what’s in here.” She knocked her knuckles on the top of his head. “Jesus, Ryo, you need to talk to someone. You can’t do this alone.”

“What do you care?” He glowered. “You’re leaving, remember?”

She crossed her arms over her chest, cocked her head. His mind sure wasn’t ‘leaking’ now, was it? “Do you want me to?”

There! He paled.

“Is that the reason you’re always such an asshole around me? Is that the reason you went off at Mick’s?”

“No, that’s not it!” His frown gone, he leaned toward her and grabbed her upper arms. “I don’t want you to leave. You cannot leave.” You cannot leave me. Don’t leave me.

The words slithered into her mind, bringing with them the echo of the first words she’d heard when she’d woken up at the hospital. You can’t leave me alone. I don’t want to be alone anymore.

“Why not? You’ve been trying to drive me away for years.”

He shook his head, his eyes on hers, his fingers biting into her arms. “Yes, you’re right. At first, I tried to make you leave. I promised Maki I’d take care of you, and let’s face it, you’re not made for this life. But then I realized—” He shook his head again, swallowed. “I’ve sort of gotten used to you...To this. To us living and working together. Having you around. And I promised Maki I’d take care of you, and the only way I can do that is to keep you around, but then the status quo was established and the shit I spewed became routine, but I—”

“That doesn’t make any sense, Ryo.”

“Do you think I don’t realize that?!” he snapped, letting go of her to run his fingers through his hair. “Jesus, I know I don’t make sense; it doesn’t make sense, but it’s true. I don’t want you to leave. Ever.”

“Because you’re used to me,” she said slowly.

“Yes.” Then he shook his head and sighed. “No, that’s not it. I—”

Just say it, you idiot. What do you have to lose? Open your mouth and say it already. Get it over with.

Kaori had to fight the chuckles that threatened to emerge. He was giving himself quite a pep talk in his mind. Pity, he didn’t leak just what the pep talk was about.

“I need you!” It rushed out of his mouth, sounding like a single word. “There, now you know.”

Kaori shrugged. Was that it? “It’s not exactly news, Ryo. Everybody knows this house would fall down around you without me.”

He glared at her and growled. “Do you really have to be so dense? I’m not talking about the house or the work. I’m talking about me. I need you. I need you. Do you understand?”

She blinked, going for innocence, while inside she was jumping up and down with glee. Of course, she understood. Well, sort of. She could read his mind, after all. Well, sometimes. But it was completely different hearing him say it. When he was lucid, that is. “Not really.”

Ryo rolled his eyes, banging his head back against the wall. “Figures,” he mumbled.

“So why don’t you explain it to me?” she asked sweetly.

He looked at her. Something on her face must have given her up, because his eyes narrowed. “Why should I explain when you seem to understand perfectly fine on your own?”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Oh, really?”

He leaned forward, his body coiled, and she quickly scrambled backward, but she was too slow. Or he was too fast. Either way, he had her by her arms, but instead of shaking her, he pulled her forward and onto his lap.

She felt heat infuse her cheeks as he pressed his forehead against hers.

“I’m sorry for what I said to you at Mick’s. No, listen. Wait,” he admonished, tightening his arms around her when she tried to wiggle from his lap. “Listen, please. I know there’s no excuse for my behavior or for what I said, but please, you have to forgive me. I don’t know what came over me, but I know I shouldn’t have gone off the way I did.”

“You hurt me, Ryo.”

“I know. I hurt myself as well; it’s just—” He sighed, lifted his head, and looked at her. “It’s just that I couldn’t find you anywhere; I didn’t know what happened to you. And then...seeing you in Mick’s apartment, half-naked. It snapped something inside of me.”

She nodded, slowly connecting the dots. “You were afraid that I would go away, that I would leave you.”

He looked away, his mind closed up tighter than a drum. “Yeah, something like that,” he muttered.

“Even you cannot be such an idiot, Ryo.”

He once again looked at her. “You’ve lived with me for years; you know perfectly well what kind of an idiot I can be, Kaori.”

“Yeah, that’s true,” she agreed slowly. “But I still don’t get this thing about you needing me to stay. I mean, going back to the previous conversation, you’ve been trying to drive me away for as long as I remember.”

Ryo sighed again. “And we’ve also established that sometimes things I do or say don’t really make any sense. I need you, Kaori.”

“Why?” she whispered.

“Because we both know there’s something not right inside me.”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” she interrupted. “There’s nothing wrong with you.”

He smiled. “See, that’s one of the reasons. You always see the best in people. I’m not a good person, Kaori. No, shut up and listen. I’m a killer; there’s so much blood on my hands that I can never wash it away, and I don’t really want to. It’s a reminder of what I was, what I could become again.”

“Ryo...”

“No, just listen, okay. I might not be able to get this out ever again, so please, let me finish.” He swallowed. “There are parts of my life—things I’ve done—that no one knows about. Not even you. And I don’t want you, especially you, to ever find out about them. You look at me differently. You look at me like I’m a normal person, like I matter, like I deserve...I don’t know everything, I guess. And I don’t want that to change. I don’t want you to stop looking at me like that. I know that the day that happens, it will be all over.

“You saved me, Kaori. It might’ve started with your brother, but you finished the job. I don’t know; it must be something in the Makimura blood—the stubborn refusal to give up or to let go of something you care about. You hang on like a tick no matter what I throw at you, and I’m so incredibly grateful for that that it chokes me. You make me want to be a better man, a better person, someone who does deserve everything you think I deserve. Someone who deserves you. My world is made of darkness, but you’re my fucking light, Kaori. I’ll do anything you want me to do; anything you need, it’s yours; just don’t go. Don’t leave.” His head slumped forward toward his chest, hiding his expression from her. “I don’t want to live in the darkness again,” he whispered.

Her heart cracked open, and her eyes flooded with tears. If he’d only said any of it before, if he’d only made her understand sooner. Why did he have to be so damn stubborn and proud?

“Why do you have to be so damn stubborn all the time?” she hissed. When he looked up at her, his expression quizzical, she slapped him upside the head. “You’re only human, Ryo, no matter what you think. Asking for help is not weakness. You’re not weak for telling someone.”

“You’re the only one I can tell,” he said softly. “You’re the only family I have.”

“Would it have killed you to tell me this before? Did I really have to threaten to go for you to open up, even a little bit? What did you think I’d do, huh? Laugh at you, make fun of you, take advantage of it.” She glowered. “Who do you take me for, you moron?!”

“Kaori—”

“No!” she snapped. “Now it’s your turn to listen. And listen well, because, as with you, this is probably the only time I’ll say this. It’s only fair, after all. Nothing could change the way I look at you, you idiot. Nothing could change the way I feel about you. Yeah, maybe there is something in the Makimura blood, or maybe we’re just wired differently, but we’re always rooting for the underdog, for the morons and idiots of this world who think they’re less because they might be a little different, or they might lead a different life.

“I know what you’ve been through, Ryo. I’ve lived through some of it alongside you, remember? I know about the blood and death, but we also both know you had no choice. You did what you did in order to survive, and then you did what you did to protect others. Most of all, me. So why should everything I think, know, and feel about you change, is beyond me. It’s once again all in your head, as always. The misguided protective instinct included. I don’t need you to protect me from yourself or from your life. It was my choice to stick around after Yuki was killed. It’s my choice—my decision to stay every single time something goes wrong. And it’s not just because I know you’d do everything to protect me—even give your own life. It’s because I trust you. Despite, or maybe because of, what you are.”

She cupped his face in her hands. “I trust you, Saeba Ryo. Isn’t it time you started trusting me?”

I trust you with my life. It’s me, I don’t trust.

As soon as the thought entered her mind, it was gone; his mind once again closed off, and she fought a sigh. Would it be so hard to say it out loud? And what was it about not trusting himself? In what way? She was missing context, damn it!

“I trust you with my life, Kaori,” he said, utter conviction in his voice. Their eyes caught and held. “Stay.”

She smiled, trying to focus on his face through her tears. “Of course, I’ll stay.”

He returned her smile.

“Wouldn’t want all my hard work to go to waste.”

He chuckled and dropped his head onto her shoulder.

He must be exhausted. “Let’s get you to bed.”

“Stay,” he murmured against her shoulder. “Please.”

“I already said I would.”

He shook his head. “No, tonight. Stay with me. I know I have no right to ask, but please, would you stay with me?”

She swallowed past the lump in her throat. She knew how much it cost him to ask. She knew how much it had cost him to say all that he’d said, and it had cost her as well to return the so-called favor. “Sure,” she whispered. “I could also sing you to sleep if you want, but you’d probably end up having a nightmare afterward.”

He lifted his head off her shoulder and stood up with a chuckle. He grabbed her upper arms again and easily lifted her onto her feet. “I’ll pass the Kaori-lullaby, if you don’t mind.”

She nodded. “Wise choice, partner.”

He slid his hand down her arm, twining their fingers together, as he gently tugged her toward the stairs. “Shall we?”

“Just don’t hog the covers.”

His chuckle echoed in the empty living room, making Kaori smile. Mission accomplished; there would be no more darkness tonight.