What Men Want - Chapter 29

Kaori slowly opened her eyes, not exactly knowing where she was, only knowing her right arm had gone to sleep. Probably permanently, since she didn’t feel anything from the shoulder down. The room she was in sure didn’t look like her bedroom; it was much bigger, and the window was on the wrong side.

Then it clicked. She was in Ryo’s room. She was in Ryo’s room because they spent the rest of the night after their talk together.

Sleeping.

Well, he went immediately to sleep, while she’d stayed awake for what seemed like hours, listening to him breathe and brushing her fingers gently through his hair. She must’ve fallen asleep eventually, and so had her right arm, since he was lying on it like the big lug that he was, cutting off her circulation. It had probably started to rot already.

She looked to her right, and there he was, sleeping like a baby, with as serene an expression on his face as she’d ever seen. She smiled at how utterly adorable he looked. The lines that usually adorned his face were gone, and he looked younger. Happier. He was completely relaxed in his sleep.

Who could blame him, really? It’s been one heck of a night. It sure must not have been easy to pick at the scabs over his festering inner wounds and expose them. Not for someone like him, so closed off and private when it came to his inner demons and scars. It hadn’t been easy for her to listen to any of it, but she did. For him. For her. For them both.

It’s taken years for him to actually open up—and even then, because she gave him absolutely no choice, the least she could do was listen. She didn’t understand. Not really, and she doubted she ever would. She doubted she would ever understand him or truly know him, but lying there in the dark, listening to his even breathing, thinking about what he’d told her...She’d felt closer to him than ever before.

And despite her resolve not to, despite her pep talk earlier the previous day, she’d fallen even deeper in love with the bastard. If that was even possible.

They haven’t really resolved anything. Not really. And instead of lightening her load by leaving, she’d merely heaped it up on her shoulders.

But damn it, at least he’d shared something. They have now shared something. His inner darkness and his deep-seated issues. It was probably the only significant thing they would ever share.

She shook her head. Nope, she wasn’t going to think about his dreams. She wasn’t going to think about the woman. That was what had kept her awake last night, really. The fear of once again tapping into his dreams. She wouldn’t be able to handle it, not with him lying beside her.

But there were no dreams.

So she was doomed to love him from afar, even while having him this close. Unrequited love was a real bitch; no wonder people wrote songs about it.

And her numb arm was really starting to bug her. She needed to move, or she might go crazy. But she didn’t want to move and risk waking him. But, damn it, she didn’t feel a thing.

Biting her lip in concentration, Kaori slowly extricated her utterly numb arm from under Ryo’s heavy form, keeping a close eye on him. He never budged. The masterful sweeper, his every instinct attuned to his surroundings, slept like a rock right through her acrobatic routine. Figures.

She scrunched her nose. Well, she might as well take advantage of it.

She leaned over him and pressed her lips gently against his forehead. It was the most she dared. She closed her eyes with a sigh, then slowly padded out of the room and softly closed the door behind her.

Her arm was definitely waking up. And it hurt like a bitch!

X Y Z

The moment the door closed behind her, Ryo opened his eyes. He waited until her footsteps receded before rolling onto his back with a sigh. Eyes on the ceiling, he contemplated his predicament. The predicament he had no one to blame but himself.

Last night had been the best night of his life. The night he spent in Kaori’s arms, fully clothed and without any intimate contact, had been the best night of his life.

What did that say about him? About his life? About his choices?

That his life sucked. That he made one stupid choice after another.

Not only was he an idiot, he was also a coward.

He slung an arm over his eyes.

Boy, was he a coward? Saeba Ryo, who barely blinked when he stared death in the eyes and had no compunction in running into a hail of bullets, was a grade-A coward when it came to his emotions. He was a coward when it came to his relationship with Kaori. He was a colossal coward when it came to taking that much needed and so much wanted step forward in said relationship in determining his, their future.

It would’ve been so easy to tell her last night. Tell her that...God, he could barely think about it, much less talk about it. It would’ve been so easy to tell her what he felt about her. How he felt about her. The groundwork had been laid; he’d told her he needed her. It would’ve been so easy to tell her just how much. To tell her just how he needed her.

Yes, he needed her to survive, but not in the way she thought or the way he made her think. He needed her to survive because she was his life. She was his heartbeat, his very breath. She was his everything. He couldn’t imagine a life without her in it. He couldn’t contemplate a life without her in it.

It would’ve been so easy to tell her this morning. To not pretend to still be asleep, surreptitiously drawing in her subtle scent. God, he would recognize that scent everywhere. It would’ve been so easy to open his eyes when she’d kissed his forehead, draw her into his arms, and kiss her for real.

It would’ve been so easy to tell her then. To tell her...To tell her that...

“It’s just three little words, Saeba,” he muttered, shaking his head in exasperation at his inability to utter them even when he was alone.

Just three little words.

Three little words that would change his life forever. Give him the opportunity to have a real, meaningful, and committed relationship. To be normal, even a little bit. Give him the opportunity to actually claim the woman who was his everything, the woman of his life, the only woman he’s ever...

He gritted his teeth.

He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t say it. He couldn’t bring her even deeper into his life, as she already was. It would be like painting a target on her back. He couldn’t do that, not after promising Hideyuki to take care of her. Hideyuki, his best friend, had entrusted his little sister into his hands to keep her safe. Claiming her would betray his promise to his friend. Claiming her would betray the promise he’d given himself to her at the beginning of their ‘relationship’ to never see her as a woman.

Claiming her would betray every single promise he’s silently made to her over the years to protect her.

Claiming her would betray his word of honor.

Claiming her would bring him to the brink of sanity with fear for her safety.

Claiming her would bring him to his knees.

Claiming her would change his life, their lives, forever.

By claiming her, he would make her dreams come true. He would stop torturing her, hurting her, and making her life miserable by pushing her away.

By claiming her, he would make his own deepest wish and his own dream come true. The dream of having a real family, of having someone love him unconditionally, no matter what.

By claiming her, he would be undone and no longer his own person. By claiming her, he would be claimed in return. He would have the right to claim her love, return his own.

He chuckled.

By claiming her, he would be able to love her freely, wildly, and unconditionally. He could finally give her the heart that’s never belonged to anyone else but her.

He would be able to show her, tell her that he loved her.

There. The three little words were out, sort of, and the world hasn’t shifted on its axis. He was still alive, still breathing, still him.

So why was he still on the bed instead of running after her to tell her of his epiphany?

He closed his eyes, his heart slowly breaking in his chest.

Because she would never believe him. And he had no one to blame but himself. He’d made sure of the fact she would never believe he harbored any deeper feelings for her. Years and years of conditioning, of denying what he truly felt, of denying himself, of denying them both the opportunity to explore what was growing between them, made sure of the fact she’d never believe him.

The status quo was established.

And, come to think of it, his sudden epiphany didn’t really change anything. It was so damn easy—painting pretty pictures and inventing stories and possible scenarios in his head. In real life, on the other hand...In real life, he could never tell her.

Because he was still just a coward.